Greg's red Fender bass guitar~$200
[my] Sony Handycam~$200
[my] Canon Rebel manual-focus camera~$200
Knowing that you're a complete screw-up...priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else, there's Nicole's busted-up car on the UWF campus to put it in so it can get stolen.
[they didn't afflict my car, the automatic window switch is broken]
It's just everything that's been going on. All these people recently are treating Greg [& me, though no one was ever really as close to me] so differently since the whole St. Mark thing. People are making such a big deal out of 'how we've changed' & are blowing things up & are completely unwilling to open their minds & actually think about what's going on & how it affects us as people. I think my blog is pissing people off because it's so vague, but it's vague because it's such a sensitive situation--I want those people who claim to be 'concerned about me' to actually come to me about this stuff & not just randomly mention me because it seems thoughtful. I want some of the people to at least comment. I want things to stop sliding under the rug because it's no fun to deal with or whatever's causing all of this.
No, I haven't been to Grace Community on Sundays in over 9 weeks...that's because I've been packing chicken to feed homeless people. I am still 'going' to church. I'm still involved--I'm more involved than I've ever been in anything. People refuse to even dig deeper. They just judge Fr. Nathan & all of this as a sham because we've 'gone away from Protestantism/everything that we've stood for' [both of which are bunk] They won't even come at it with understanding. Honestly, if most of the people came with desire to understand, even if it was buried beneath all of their judgmentalism, none of this would be happening at this frequency.
Obviously, I'm disregarding God's plan for all of this [which I'm crediting as trials in which we have to absolutely know what we stand for & what's at risk when we're willing to give things up for Him & start doing the stuff that's outside our comfort level] but on surface level, that's what's been happeing with Other People. Up to this point, I have had no one ask me where I've been, what I've been doing. That makes me more willing to lean toward thinking they don't really care; honestly, I really don't care if they do or don't. What concerns me is when they start attacking Greg for it & making all these assumptions without evidence. I want to fight these battles for him, but I cannot. I can help, I can be back-up, but it's not completely directed at me.
Along with all of that, things with my parents have become unbearable. For so long, they've been attacking me & Greg verbally all the time & I told them, in the midst of an argument Sunday night, that they needed to take it to him. They threatened having him & his mom over for a meeting...we took them up on it. That was yesterday. I'm still banned from visiting Greg's dad [no, there's no good reason other than 'we don't think it's the proper place for a respectable young lady' when asked what reasons back it up, there's nothing there than how they 'feel' about it; Greg & my annoyance is the fact that they are completely disregarding my feelings about everything] but my parents talked with Greg & his mom & they've all come to this neat little middle ground on things. However, I'm still left with the same issues. They said that I need to stop over-analyzing everything [like I can really control it] & start opening up & they'll stop being so judgmental. It looks nice on paper [I think we should have a freaking contract] but I honestly have nothing to back up its actual occurance. All day Wednesday, I fasted, praying when I could about my tentative decision to move out. I decided that if they told me to stop hanging out with Greg yesterday, then I'd tell them then & figure it out from there [obviously I'd stay with the McArthurs for a while] I came to a complete peace about it. But that didn't happen. We have this weird uneasy resolution, as oxymoronic as it is.
Today, I verified my decision that I'm going to move on campus come January. [I haven't told my parents yet, though, so don't spread it around] I'm still not certain when I'm going to tell them this, but I figure it's the best option: a.) because I'm not leaving in the middle of argument & uneasiness & they won't have to 'clean anything up' for the outside perspective of it, b.) they won't feel threatened & will still, most likely, support me financially. The latter reason has more weight on this issue than it should, really, but that's how it is. Yes, I have a job & I get extra scholarship money, but I don't want to worry about my car insurance note, not yet. They only pay for that & my gas; that's all. It wouldn't be too much of a jump to moving out, since I'd spend as much in my dorm [or hopefully single-room dorm room, which I do have the likelihood of procuring] as I do now in my house. It'd be the same. My crap would be there. That's all.
Does this help? :)
I wish I could define 'it' but I'm not sure if I can.
On some fronts, I'm directly involved in the things that are going on; some I'm able to be involved with help; some I feel completely helpless in.
Some ofhte people that I am closest to are being barraged by all sorts of things. It wouldn't be an exaggeration if I said I wish I were more heavily pinpointed. I can handle myself; I can debate; I have reasons for the things I do--if people are 'concerned' enough to mention me in the grouping-together of all the issues presented, they should talk to me personally. It's that simple. There's no reason to say 'blah blah blah & Nicole too' Either: they care & have some reason not to contact me about unsaid issues, or they really don't care. That is my honest opinion.
I am so sick of seeing some of my best friends attacked when I am so incredibly close to the situation: I am part of the 'problem' that these people keep citing. It really annoys me. It sounds like I'm saying I want controversy--that's not wholly it, but it looks the same. I want to deal with this stuff so it will stop building up walls, which is the main complaint as it is. It's terrifically ironic, you know.
You have no idea how much I wish I could get away with this without being vague. The reason I am being such is becasue I don't want those uninvolved to know about this stuff, while those who are involved will rethink some things.
Ack.
When did everything start getting so obnoxiously complicated? [rhetorical, don't feel the need to answer]
So, I've been losing things alot. I think I mentioned this before, but just in the last few days: [today] lost my Eng Comp book, most likely when I tripped & nearly sprained my ankle; [yesterday] study guides for Art History; [Tuesday] a note that I had in my pocket; [realized today] I don't know where my cameras are: either they are in my room, at Greg's house...or someone decided to remove them from my car. Yeah.
I've been making random allusions to an 'important upcoming decision' lately on MySpace bulletins. I will be vague no longer...because I'm not going to mention it in here. Maybe later, but not now. I've got a title picked out for the entry in which I intend to mention it.
That's what has been kind of going on. There's alot of crap that has happened that I just wish would stop. I would lean to say that most of the issues are not caused by me/people that are being attacked, which is always what everyone says, but I can say that if people were more open-minded & loving, that would be helpful. We'll just have to see what happens.
I just hate seeing the pain that has been/is being caused. It sickens me.
I woke up around 10am this morning, surprising for the lack of sleep I've gotten the past few weeks. Oh well.
Afterwards, my mom & I went to a few antique stores--I bought the most hardcore green Snoopy cookie jar. I love it. I hugged it in the store. I don't know why; I'm not a huge Snoopy fan, but it just struck something in me. I heart that little Snoopy [actually, it's relatively large] Also bought a tiny [shot] glass/mug from Hollywood & a few more things for other people. I got some retro coasters too. All of this was very cheap. For this I am glad.
The owner of two of the antique stores has a dog...named Dawsen. I cracked up. I almost whispered to him that my name is Joey.
Am going to see The Black Dahlia [see *edit* below] tonight at 9:45pm. I love late-night movies alone. We've been watching so many movies lately, though this will be the first one by myself in a while. Watched Constantine last night--nothing's more hardcore than watching that movie with your priest. Much interesting conversation followed.
NetZero is in the habit of disconnecting every few minutes which is extremely obnoxious. Apparently, we're about to get DSL...maybe. Either way, I usually use UWF wireless.
I've got quite a few notes here that I want to write about. I guess I'll do that:
As I was walking to my car from Geography class Friday, I was thinking about perspective: things look so different from certain angles. That's when I decided I would like to have little cameras on the tips of my shoes. I think it would be interesting.
If you've known me for a length of time & know my eating habits, you might have noticed that I go from loving something to absolutely despising it. The most recent: bagels, cream cheese, microwaveable pot pies, bisque, chicken nuggets. I've re-started liking: ramen noodles, some ice cream. It usually takes a few months for me to start liking them again: statistics prove it takes the longest for me to re-begin liking bagels/cream cheese. This fact frustrates my parents & Greg; it's actually kind of funny to me.
When I was younger, I wanted to be Harriet the Spy. Have you ever seen that movie? The Nickelodeon VHS is bright orange--watched it with Greg & his siblings last week. None of them love it like I do; she's a Four, has issues with her parents, wants to write, has only a few friends. I wanted to be her. I even started a composition notebook, writing down all the cars that drove by my house while sitting on my porch swing in Louisiana. I think that's when I became obsessed with black/white comp books. Every time I see one now, I have the impulse to buy it, just like the compulsion to by The Catcher in the Rye, as mentioned in Conspiracy Theory. I have that inclination as well, actually with all Salinger books, but I don't see Catcher enough to have more than two copies.
The yogurt that I just [mostly] consumed expired two days ago. How does bacteria/culture go bad? All I know is that it started gettng kind of grainy at the bottom. Whoops.
*edit*
Know how I said I was going to see The Black Dahlia earlier...ick.
I'm not even going to go into all the reasons on here why you should not see it; just take my word for it.
On paper, technically-speaking, it was beautifully shot with perfect lighting & camera work.
Everything else...not worth my $6.95.
Drat. I should've seen something else.
I am an idealist at heart:
I wish we didn't get sunburned.
I wish infected spinach couldn't kill you.
I wish Starbucks wasn't so impractical.
I wish iPods/computers/cell phones were cheaper.
I wish relationships weren't so complicated.
I wish we didn't need to sleep.
I wish we didn't get tired.
I wish we could see more of the world.
I wish we could live without complications.
I wish there wasn't food that can be bad for you. Especially brownies.
I wish we wouldn't get caught up in how much our clothing costs.
I wish gas didn't cost so much.
I wish my computer would quit telling me to verify my identity to log on.
I wish The US vs. John Lennon was playing anywhere near here.
I wish we didn't have random paranoias/fears.
I wish we appreciate things more.
Now, I know that majority of these are just how things are. There are reasons for them & I can't change them. I'm just saying, life would be less complicated. Idealism kicks my butt. For me, it's impractical. I want to be realistic, reasoned, but I am, in essence, a dreamer. It's not always dumb little stuff like some of these [ex. spinach] but it all just feeds my moderate discontentment. Contentment can both be bad & good; we are called to be content but not worldy. That's tough. I usually lean toward utter discontent for many reasons; it's because I am so dead-set against being content with how this life world is, how screwed up people [including myself] are, writing everything off as 'how life/the person/things is/are' & giving people medicines to fix their problems that could mostly be fixed through usage of personal analysis, self-control & accountability.
That was a rant, yes. Don't take it to be preachy--soon [most likely tomorrow] I'm going to give reasons to include me in the 'how screwed up people are' category. Lots of reasons why.
I'm just annoyed with how things have become. Some unavoidable, some traced back thousands of years. It's just no fun. But, if life was absolutely grand all the time we'd become content; that disregards the fact that we're still the broken creatures we are, it would become screwed up anyway. There is so much that goes into why things are as they are. Like always, we must strike a balance.
The reason I sound rather circular in some of these expressions is because I've been trained recently [by circumstances] to have to give the opposing side/reason for things. I don't like misunderstandings & arguments, thus I have no adopted back-up-reasoning to try to answer any opposition. Ugh. It kind of annoys me. Alot. Eh.