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Don't Get Carried Away So Soon November 10, 2006--Friday @ 2:13 PM
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I'm stuck listening to mostly-crappy free music on my parents' laptop. I need to sneak some CDs on here.
I ate key lime pie just now. Yay breakfast.
Okay. Too much is going on lately. I can't continue to handle it as I have been. We'll go down the list:
School: I hate it. I have since I started, but I thought I'd get used to it & start to love it. I know I'm privileged to go to college. I know that. But you know what? My heart isn't in it & everything in my being is pulling me from it. It's not laziness. It's not lack of having time for other stuff. But, it is stealing time that I could be doing more productive things with. Recently, there has been a change of course [pun slightly intended] in which I need to work on saving up money like crazy. All that time that the University of West Florida is being paid to make me jump through hoops, I could be working at an occupation & getting paid directly. So, now comes the part where I say something that's going to [possibly] spark negative response. This is my last semester. I am quitting. Starting in December, I'm going to start working full-time at the photography studio. Yes, I realize I could basically go anywhere & switch colleges, but the thought of that makes it that much worse. I'm not leaving. I'm going to stay here until I am led elsewhere. At this point in time, that's not the case.
Relationships: Where to begin? All I know is that it is referenced in Bridget Jones' Diary & in my life too, but it is widely known that the second one area of your life starts to go well, something else turns to crap. That's how I feel, except the crap part keeps getting mixed in with everything else, so now I feel like there's a little crappiness in everything, which is just the most optimistic outlook ever, you know. Ack. Okay. Boys & girls will never fully understand one another. When you throw in a girl who has trust/overanalysis issues, things just get more complicated. Things are going badly in my mind, but not in the real world...I don't know if that makes sense. My mind is getting severely attacked by all sorts of things, but mostly, it's other people. This one really wasn't a point, it's a lead-in:
Other people: I've gotten so many people annoyed with me in the past two weeks. People who think they know what's best for me. People who just want to be right. People who would say that the fact that I'm writing this proves that I'm not mature enough to handle anything. You know what? I don't care. Granted, I wish all of this would stop & things would slow down & just stop being so screwed up, but that is not likely. I would just like more support instead of judgment. There are worse things that could be happening.
We're going to be happy, no matter if you believe it.
Myself: You know how I said that I've been having people annoyed with me lately? I'm the main one. I was so incredibly fed up with myself yesterday & still am. I've got stuff to deal with, but it's not like it's ongoing issues. For some reason, at this point in time, everything is affecting me & though I'm normally able to handle it all, things are affecting my ability to cope, which leads to me freaking out & being obnoxious. If I said I couldn't help it, that would justifying it. It's close though. There's so much going on & so much about to happen; my emotions are going into super-overdrive & taking over at the most obnoxious of times. The times when that's the last thing I need. But it's happening. I know what it is because it's happened before.
I wish I could write more right now, but I have to leave for Art History class. [oh, by the way, just because I'm quitting school, it doesn't mean that I'm slacking off; if you know me, you know that's not how I am] Let's just say 'to be continued' on this one--I'll pick up at the same part later.
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So, I'm kind of annoyed that no one would listen to me when I tried to correct everyone's massacre of Madonna's real last name [Ciccone = shik-own-ee] That's how I can tell I'm off; I get really pissed at dumb things like that. My reaction was kind of amusing, though. I wasn't mean. I just kept repeating it, even though someone insisted it started with P. That another reason I get annoyed with college: some people bug the crap out of me for no real specific reason. I just want to kick them. In the shin.
Okay. Mini-continuation. I have about 25 minutes to do this because I have to head to work soon. I have a feeling this is just going to end up being a blog of multiple installments.
Creativity: I feel like I have a good concept of art, loveliness & what is beautiful. However, it kills me that I feel I cannot create anything. Especially now without my camera, but even before, I felt so useless. So much like a pedant, fumbling around for something to do that would be beautiful but when entertaining ideas, realize they'd be much better suited for another. I have no camera. I can't draw. Painting costs too much & I'd probably suck at most of it [though I do want to get some random canvases & just smack paint all-over; cheap art is good for apartments] I can't write music or play any instruments. I can sing, but that doesn't come in handy because I just don't fit anywhere. I want to write. That is becoming one of my back-of-my-mind passions in which I just want to write. Obviously, I don't mind writing about myself, but you have no idea how much it kills me to have this unfinished pseudo-novel in Salinger-esque form just lying around, being bastardized into a screenplay for my writing class. I'm not too handy with things. Nina says she will teach me how to knit, which I am supremely looking forward to, but I can't do anything else. I want life to be beautiful & filled with things that represent life, vitality, love, emotions, pain, beauty, but I feel like I can never even come close to that goal. Maybe once life begins getting a little less frazzled [~next month, actually] I'll feel better.
There will be more soon.
Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup...nothing's gonna change my world...
No Words For My Love November 06, 2006--Monday @ 11:35 AM
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Okay. So this guy sitting next to my in the Computer Lab has been playing the. same. craptastic. song. For the past 15 or so minutes. It sounded neat [with Arabian-esque background music] the first 3 times. Now...I'm about to...do nothing. It's no use. I never carry out threats.
I also, apparently, don't fulfill blog-promises. I haven't written a real blog since 10.11.06.
Blasphemy.
I could say it's because I've been busy, which is mostly true. I've managed to get bronchitus for the past three weeks, leave the band/become manager instead, become involved in controversy, have my laptop stolen [don't even say anything...] have my first date with my first real boyfriend [& first kiss following a few days after], decide that we're not always going to be standard technical boyfriend/girlfriend, [holy crap, the guy changed the song that was playing--glorious day!] stress out about absolutely everything possible, receive three pink roses at the end of a day that went completely not-according-to-plan when I was not only sick but also developed a fever, see The Rocky Horror Picture Show...& plan out the rest of my life.
More on that last one coming soon. I promise. If you know anything already, don't mention it yet, for fear that I will make another threat I won't carry out.
October will always be my favorite month. That attachment will only grow, I can assure you of that.
I hate having pseudo-secrets, I really do. Especially when they're so freaking neat. [har]
I've been dressing up because you make me feel pretty.
Yes, I'm a girl. Fear of letting go of my inhibitions/fears/paranoia/distrust + fear of what will happen if I don't = interesting frame of mind/emotions for Nicole. I assure you it's a happy thing.
For the first time in a long time, I am truly feeling that there could be no words to express all that's happened. Everything that's changed. Everything that has stayed the same then gotten increasingly better.
I can say no more.
Today's Nina's birthday. She's lovely & deserves birthday wishes.
So much is happening. So much will happen.
To be clich: love is like oxygen, love is a many-splendored thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love.
I hate these kinds of entries. There will be a better one within the month, though, I do believe.
You are a Lavender Rose |
 You represent love at first sight and enchantment. Your vibe: intense and intriguing Falling in love with you is: deep and meaningful |
Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup...nothing's gonna change my world...
The Show Last Night! October 14, 2006--Saturday @ 11:58 AM
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The show last night was AWESOME!
If you weren't there...then poo. You missed out.
Everyone played well; for our first show, I think we did spectacularly. [in John Lennon manner, I forgot an entire line of Come Together...but he never remembered his own lyrics--in the introduction Greg gave me, he regarded me as a deluded fan--har]
We were scheduled to play at 6:45pm but no on was there. I had to leave at 7pm to be at UWF for a choir performance, so we just decided to be the closing band with five songs: Ode To King Butch, Come Together, what we call The Blues Song, Hey Joe & Gypsy Magic.
When I got back, there were people! It was so great to see everyone there. Greg said it felt like playing a show to all your best friends--I completely agree.
So if you were there, we are grateful to you & think you're just grand. Imaginary cookies to you, my friends. If not, don't fret, we'll play again soon! We've got mad connections.
Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup...nothing's gonna change my world...
A Call To Action & For Passion October 11, 2006--Wednesday @ 9:54 AM
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[am writing this, sitting in Geography before class has begun...feeling kind of silly, but oh well]
I have been thinking. I think this is the sentence that alarms most people, especially Greg, because it means I've spent minutes, maybe hours in self-analysis & have returned from my deep-sea dive.
Too long have I been hiding my love behind logic & reason. Until last night, talking to Nina, I realized that love cannot be solely based upon intellect. It doesn't work like that. Granted, you have to be a bit level-headed to strike a balance, but no where near the degree that I've been maintaining.
It's because I have been wary about being in love. I don't want to get hurt; I know that's a normal statement, but believe me when I say I take things much harder than majority of people. I am scared of opening the deepest part of myself up to someone, for if they mistreat it, there will be much remorse, to say the least. But this factors into the trust thing that I deal with so frequently.
Nina has told us to dive in completely. This should be fun. There lies the issue: both of us were forced to grow up at an early age for different reasons; thus, the spontaneity of childhood has been lost amid responsibilties and painful situations. We've grown paranoid of being 'mushy' for lack of a better word. We're concerned how people will react [though he is the main culprit] We over-analyze [though I am the main culprit]
Love makes act like we are fools, throw our lives away for one happy day
Do we know how to have fun? I'm not sure. Are we going to try? You bet.
What do kids our age do for fun? We've cut out the whole making-out thing [har] so what are other options? Because of multiple situations, we certainly cannot be carefree for any huge length of time, but we can manage.
I want to feel beautiful. I want our hearts to sing lovely harmonic tunes. I want to feel like we're in love. There's no doubt that we love one another--it's been like that for a year. What's the next emotional step?
I think we need to go on a rampage & watch Moulin Rouge! & The Notebook. Tonight.
Oh gosh. Complainte De La Butte just came on. Damn that luring music...the French piano-player...& Michael Bublé too. He makes me want to die...in the undeniably happy, exquisitly beauteous way. [By the way, Nina, months ago, I borrowed-without-your-permission-to-put-on-my-laptop/iPod his album Caught In The Act]
We sang Come What May [which now makes me cry a nearly-objectionable amount] last night in the car after a bit of a tough situation we dealt with. That was followed by one of the most lovely conversational-make-ups ever. Period.
Okay, I'm going to have to address something, because I'm sure it's coming. I can already see it: I don't wnat to hear crap about how romantic relationships are dumb, pointless, especially when you're high-school age.
I used to be one of the people that believed that too. But what we have & what I've seen in other people has revived the yearning & passion in my own heart. It has made me realize that there are one-in-a-lifetime events in life that if we pass them up, we'll regret it exceedingly when it's too late. We cannot go on blinded by what culture has told us. You can find the love of your life before college...up until the last century, love & marriage has occured at an early age, even younger than we are now. Then, there was a shift, telling peole that they have to 'go find themselves in college; you'll have plenty of time to search' but you know what? I'm not big on searching. That puts too much on me. If we wait too long, it will be too late. Sure, we may find something else, but it will forever be reflective of what we once had/could've had but were too boxed-in to act upon.
This is a call to action & for passion.
There is far too little passion & feeling in the world now. We've made ourselves into robots, categorizing everything, labeling what we can & cannot feel. This has to stop. I won't do it anymore. If you analyze it, it does actually fit into the all-encompassing 'loving others' thing; we have to be willing to put ourselves on the line 100% of the time. Otherwise, not much progress will be made. Sure we may help a bit, but if we are withholding one ounce of ourselves that should be dedicated to others, something will be hindered. Romantin relationships shouldn't me more limited in this aspect; I agree they should be limited due to the consequences of misuse, but this part has been blown-up incredibly.
With every sigh, I become more mad about you, more lost without you, and so it goes; can you imagine how much I love you, the more I see you as years go by?
Dinners. Picnics. Picture-adventures. Watching movies. Affection regardless of who's around. Random hugs & whispers of undying love. Single flowers. Holding hands, walking |downtown|the mall|the beach even though we hate it|anywhere| Looking up at the sky. Watching lovely movies. Watching horror movies. Movie night, altogether. Singing songs together. Mushy poetry. I want it all. I know you do too. You're a romantic too, my dear.
Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup...nothing's gonna change my world...
Friday The 13th... October 09, 2006--Monday @ 12:51 PM
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A working class hero is something to be
Today is John Lennon's birthday.
In tribute to him, at our band is playing a show, during which, I will sing Come Together [that will be all I do, due to some strange circumstances; I will be leaving around 7pm as well, but will be returning to the show after the UWF choir performance that night]
Hosted By: The Factory
When: Friday Oct 13, 2006
at 6:00 PM
Where: The Factory
422 N. Palafox
Pensacola, FL 32501
US
Click Here To View Event
Come see my band's first show! [all our proceeds go to St. Mark Evangelical's homeless ministry, Elijah House
[$5]
Doors open at 6pm; we'll be playing around 6:45pm so come see us!
Repost, blog, message other people--run it into the ground! We want to see you there!
Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup...nothing's gonna change my world...