Drop me a line...

I'll Take Cheap Shots For You _{December 10, 2006--Sunday @ 12:24 AM}
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One week left of school. I have assignments due Monday & Wednesday; finals on Tuesday & Friday. After this week, I begin to work toward living the life to which I have been called for quite some time. Bold. Fearless. Assured. For one of the few times in my life, I am absolutely positively sure of what I am about to embark upon.

And yet, I am somewhat slightly hesitant. ‘Am I ready?’ ‘Yes’ ‘Really? Are you sure?’ ‘What are you doubting?’ ‘Myself’ ‘Oh. Well, on what grounds?’ ‘People have not always been supportive’ ‘You’ll never get that support from everyone’ ‘That’s kind of annoying’ ‘I know that...but does it change your mind?’ ‘No’ ‘Good’ ‘Am I going to screw up?’ ‘Yes’ ‘How much?’ ‘Wrong question’ ‘Ok...Am I doing what is right?’ ‘Yes–right question. Good job’ ‘Now what?’ ‘Unless you have a basis for doubting, then it’s unfounded & coming from your own insecurity’ ‘Ah. I see’ ‘You’ll do fine; things will be hard, but you’ll be fine’

Things are already hard. But...

How can we be the parents of the abandoned if we don’t know what it’s like to be orphaned? How can we even approach the neglected if we don’t know what it’s like to be discarded? How can we love the unloved if we don’t know what it’s like to be accepted with shortcomings? How can we counsel others if we don’t address our own issues? How can we teach the unlearned if we refuse to be proven wrong? How can we open our hearts to those people if we refuse pain? How can we stand together if one feels disunited from the other?

Responsibility is to be desired. Dedication is necessary. Devotion is required. Trust is the basis.

I don’t have much to offer you
In fact I think you gave me all I have
I’ve just got arms, legs & a mind
And some songs and that’s nothing new
And I’ll take cheap shots for you
Let them say what they want
Cause Lord knows the only peace I’ll have is to know I make you smile
I don’t trust so much in optimists
They never seem to find what they’re looking for
And happiness seems to shadow on the sunny side of life
So I’ll dive deeper, deeper into joy
And things are kind of rough right now
I just like to know where you are
For I know your sun’s up there somewhere
Burning just behind the clouds
I once asked mom what Heaven was like
She said there’d be colors I’d never seen
And I spent the rest of the day trying to dream up what that was
La da da di, la da di, la da di
I said I’ll take cheap shots for you
Let them say what they want
Lord knows the only peace I’ll have is to know I make you smile
Please say I make you smile
I love to know I make you smile
an optimist meets life by Jonni Greth

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup...nothing's gonna change my world...

Oh Can't You See What Love Has Done? _{December 07, 2006--Thursday @ 10:01 AM}
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I cried to my daddy on the telephone, how long now

Until the clouds unroll and you come home, the line went

But the shadows still remain since your descent, your descent

I know I'm not the only one going through Hell. Literally.

There is so much going on & I don't even care if you agree with me about why.

We're in a war. I'm at the point at which I feel like I'm on the right side that's only seconds from losing everything.

Please don’t ever let me out of you...

I know I hurt you and I made you cry

Did everything but murder you and I

But love left a window in the skies

And to love I rhapsodize

To every broken heart

For every heart that cries

Love left a window in the skies

And to love I rhapsodize

Everything is very very bad. People are saying we deserve it. I have so much hurt, anger, resentment & terror in my heart; the second I try to fix anything, something happens [like someone hanging up the phone despite pleas brought to her] & I'm left in a flood of tears.

No one knows how to fix this. I keep messing everything up. I keep doing exactly what They [not earthly beings, mind you, but Something more unseen, Something more evil, Something that creeps around working against Him] are wanting: getting mad at little things, not realizing how real this is. However, I don't think the last is all that possible.

Everything is terrible. I'm not being pessimistic; listen you can debate me on this point next time you & others [even their own children] are/feel [for the kids, they're still allowed there] no longer welcome in a family that you've devoted over a year of your life to; you are despised by the parent(s) of the person you are engaged to be engaged to, so much that one of the parents will not even look at your or address you in person; have that person have a position of honor & authority in the school stolen away from him because of people being stupid, dishonest & terrible; you have to go to this school just to be able to see him for a little while, even though many despise you there as well & even then, you get to barely talk to him at all; you are not appreciated; you are ignored by people you have tried to fix things with; your dad is angered at you for something you did involving the hard-core Anglo-Catholic not-unbiblical-but-still-regarded-as-a-cult-etc.-since-no-one-cares-enough-to-actually-find-anything-out; two of your best friends & church leaders have become completely disconnected from their families for the same reasons though it is not their wish to be disconnected; you know that someone just might be killed when they tell their dad what they are truly being called to do; you are being yelled at by people who think they have more important opinions than you do of your own life/decisions; you are quitting school to do what you know is right while trying to maintain mental/emotional/spiritual stability along with a job & everything else while not destroying one of the most important relationships in your life though most people seem to want that & are actively working at it, whether or not they wholly know it. At this point, you can debate & argue & yell at me however you want. Until then, I would seriously tell you to not even approach it.

Here comes trust. I trust God. Unlike most people would be, I'm not angry at Him. Now, I know that He's the reason for all this occuring, for if I weren't trying to do anything He has put on my heart to be/do, I can assure you that hardly any of this would be happening & at so little a magnitude you wouldn't even realize it. But no, I've chosen to do what He wants & now I'm catching all of Hell for it...& I don't even care. It angers & frustrates me & I feel like I'm failing every second of every day, but honestly, if nothing like this ever happened to me, I'd be worried. I trust Greg. I know that things will get better & we'll overcome all of this, but I am so utterly scared that something will make him reconsider it all & terminate what we have. I logically don't think he considers it an option [or at least I earnestly hope not] but all of my insecuries are being brought to my attention with everything, so I'm under all of that.

I want to be free of this, but I know it's not over yet. During the short conversation we were allowed to have last night, he told me that we just have to be patient. I'm trying. Hard.

I've gone from not believing it was all happening, to being reasoned/level-headed/rational, to realizing what was happening & being sarcastic in my annoyance & now, now I am angry & hurt like you wouldn't believe. I cried hysterically so much last night when leaving his house after a night of near-disaster-occuring-in-two-hours that I almost threw-up in the car while driving. I've never been so upset & hurt & dying inside. I know it's worth it, but I want it to be done, I want this to end.

So here's the spot where I include a letter of semi-explanation that I wrote to someone [one of the few who really cares] in order to explain to them some things. Here:

I decided months ago that I was going to drop out of school, even before Greg-stuff.

I have felt so incredibly suffocated & useless at school, especially after I realized that I was no longer being led to do voice acting months ago. I feel that I am absolutely 100% supposed to devote my life to St. Mark at this point. I feel like I've put the last 1.5 years of life to waste because I was stuck in buildings not learning anything practical, yearning to get out but not being able to. I knew what I was being called to do, but up until this year, I wasn't granted the opportunity. The desire had been placed in me for some time, but I was called even to wait for the fulfillment of that.

It's not a rash decision. I've spoken to my mom, Benji & Amy, Fr. Nathan, & Nina about it & they are all in agreement with me that this is where I'm supposed to be & if I ignore it, it's going to get tremendously more difficult.

Now the stuff with Greg comes in. We are going to get married within the next two years [tentative even is the month; we haven't been able to discuss anything] Starting early next year, it is his goal to begin deacon training because that proceeds the training/schooling for the priesthood. If timing works out, he'll be a priest by the time we're 21/22. But what are we going to do between the time he graduates & the time we get married?--our entire lives are going to be dedicated to the Church [big C, implying the whole mystical body of Christ] & we are being led, even now, to start on that path. Now, that's been made increasingly difficult in his case with all that's going on, but when it all works out, we'll be able to get back on track.

After next week, I'm going to start working full-time at work in order to start heavily saving up for the future while still being heavily-involved with the church. At the beginning of next year, Greg is going to get his license, a truck & a job so that he can do the same. After that, it's all waiting, praying & finding God's will for all of this.

It's already become an amazing adventure, so I have absolutely no doubt that what to come will be amazing as well, it's just kind of hard now because we're at the point of having to put ourselves out there, but that's what we're going to have to do the rest of our lives if we're to take over a church & be responsible for its function & every individual.

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup...nothing's gonna change my world...

A Rant + The List Of Things To Do _{November 25, 2006--Saturday @ 5:53 PM}
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I am so pissed off.

'Why are you so pissed off, Nicole?'

Well imaginary responder, I am pissed off because I was forced to watch what I now dub as one of the worst movies ever.

'Well, Nicole, that seems a bit extravagant to get so agitated at a simple film?'

Have you ever seen Trainspotting?

'Now I understand'

Yes, folks. Just like my friend here, I now understand that it is a terrible movie, in my opinion. Suffice to say that I am so terribly angry, annoyed & depressed right now. Greg said I got too emotionally connected to the movie. I say the only reason I had to do that was that it was so pointless of a movie to me that I had to purposely force myself to continue watching it throughout all of the drugs, sex & other indulgent, destructive behavior. It makes me want to lash out at anything.

The reason I think it's one of the worse films I've seen is that the film-maker has skills, the film was not without some artistic merit & imagery. But to waste that on a film that conveys no message except for 'life sucks, you're screwed if you realize that or not & there's nothing you can do about being a terrible person in a messed up world...so why not take part in every self-destructive behavior you can think of, like heroin, pointless sex, theivery, drug-running, bar fights, living in crack houses, having babies die due to lack of care & then ending up useless or dying due to bacteria from animal feces that fill your ghost of a house?'

Good message.

It all seems so useless. It shows that no matter what you do, if you go on in life doing whatever you think will fulfill you the most, disregarding all other aspects of life, you will fail. Your goals will become so perverted, flawed & ruined before you even begin running after what you perceive to be right.

Now that I've ranted in writing, I feel much better.

You know this only makes me hate college more.

My list of things to do:
~~Geography lab~~
watch Trainspotting
Beatles slideshow of picture for project
compiling ideas for Beatles project
rough draft essay on U2
work on compiling movie journal
Art History critique

There is so much more I could rant/complain about, like the fact that this computer does not have Powerpoint, which I need for my slideshow. I have to come up with something different now. Hmph.

Oh well. I think I need to eat. Then I'll get working.

There is so much more I wish I could write about. I feel so unfulfilled for many reasons, the main one being the fact that my time is so occupied by something I wish with every fiber of my being that I was not obligated to. After this semester, so much is going to change for me.

It's the feeling of knowing what you should be doing, however being tied-down to something that squelches every effort directed toward the right thing.

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup...nothing's gonna change my world...

A Few New Pictures _{November 17, 2006--Friday @ 11:48 AM}
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[I know you DLand people don't really know this, but...] There has been so much debate [on MySpace] going on in consideration of my last blogs. I wrote a comment in response on the actual blog. Geez.

Anyway, on a happier note, I'll write a new anti-getting-everyone-upset-at-one-another blog soon. Until then, here are a few lovely pictures:

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup...nothing's gonna change my world...

Oh My Love, For The First Time In My Life, My Eyes Are Wide Open _{November 12, 2006--Sunday @ 11:53 PM}
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[music: Oh My Love by John Lennon]
I feel life, I feel love, everything is clearer in our world
[my dear, do you know how I wanted to drive to your house tonight just to hug you?]

So after feeling more distracted than usual while sitting at my parents' laptop in their room just now with a half-empty panda mug of lukewarm instant hot chocolate, I decided to bring the computer with me to my room so I could type out that nearly run-on sentence. I can focus more in here. The overhead light is bugging me, but it's keeping me awake. My body is crying out 'why can't I sleep?!' 'Not until December!' 'But I want to now!' 'Don't you think I know that!? Suck it up, you lazy scone' Then I ponder the fact that only two people will get the reason I said scone, though in context, it doesn't make sense anyway.

I would really like to tell you all about random sushi dates & loveliness like that, but no, I've been forced to re-explain myself for the third time [the necessity comes from two of the four media that this gets posted in] I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me. I'm going to sound meaner this time. The reason I wrote about stuff in here is that: a.) it's important in my life, b.) I don't like keeping things from people, c.) for the first time in maybe forever, I'm happy & feel like I'm at the precisely correct place in my life; but what does that get met with? Hypocrisy, lying, cruelty, insensitivity, misunderstanding, distrust & doubt. Not a really good trade-off if you think about it.

I talked with an increasingly-good-friend for the first time in real life tonight & his amazingly helpful insight will forever be embedded into my mind set on this & all things. In the end, what you think about this doesn't matter & I can't sit around trying to please every single person. We're going to do what we feel is right & if you don't have enough faith & trust in us to believe either of us [or even take it up with us in person or at all] then you need to re-evaluate your stance. Many people have said something like 'you guys are smart, but you know that/you should[n't]...' followed by something intended to sound insightful but in the end, only works to further the unfounded, inherent doubts in my mind that I am so desperately working at silencing.

Firstly, none of you have taken anything up with the both of us; granted, I am the one writing about things, but it takes just as much effort on freaking MySpace to send us both messages if you're really all that concerned. [the school thing deals with me & was my decision, but I will come back to that in a second]

Secondly, most of you think all these decisions are solely based upon feeling. Initially, I would say that even if that was the case, you're still judging feelings on an arbitrary standard & disregarding them. Fact is [actually this is something Greg will proclaim at the top of his lungs for he has experienced the wrath of females--har] that is doesn't matter whether or not you understand someone's feelings. If they're there, they're real. They're there for a reason & to discredit that is to basically tell the person that an integral part of their beings is ignorant. [side note: if more people followed how they felt instead of going by the 'guidelines' all the time, I assure you that nearly 100% of people would be much happier, but that's a blog for another day] Now this brings me to the even more important part. Every single person with something negative to say has somehow alluded to the fact that they believe that all of these are decisions based upon feelings, disgarding real life & that if there are so many of them spouting off their version of 'realism' then maybe we should stop & listen. I'll break this down piece by piece. Decisions being based upon feelings = unfounded. Disregarding real life = everyone has their own perceptions. Stop & listen = here's my defense: truth is that we have listed out ten people who know us incredibly well, together & separate. These are people we would trust with our lives & are basically most of people who mean the most to us. Not even one of them is not 100% in agreement with us & each person backs us up entirely without disagreement. 'Yeah, Nicole, well I bet most of them were in the same room you told them all this stuff so you got skewed reactions!' This isn't based upon reactions; this is based upon extensive discussion & reasoning; and no, either they heard things directly from either/both of us or heard it from another of the ten--this wasn't an 'ohmigosh this is what's happening & we totally don't care if you think we're dumb! We're in love & we're gonna do all this stuff' If you know us at all, you know that's not us, even now that we're all lovey & stuff. [har] We brought everything [even all the big stuff that you, the public, don't know about yet] to them, laid ourselves on the line of getting crushed & it didn't happen. We discussed things like adults between all of us at different time & every single conversation ended the same: unwavering approval, support & excitement. Keep in mind, these are all opinionated people who would certainly speak up if they did not agree. [if you would like to verify the existence & opinions of these people, contact me & I can connect you; dial 0 for the operator]

Back to the thing about feelings. I hate school. That's a feeling. But, since you demand more than that [which is partially understandable, but without the accusatory tone] I will tell you that when I enrolled, I hated the idea of going through more schooling [the mindset I've had since I was 8, but allowed people to convince me otherwise because of my grades/ACT scores] but did it because I felt that's where I was supposed to be; also, I had nothing else to do, no job, no life. My hatred for school has grown. I loved high school for many many reasons, but college sucks for me. It's not my thing. I do fine because I work excessively hard, but I hate it. So if I put that much effort into something I loathe, despise & am no longer supposed to be connected to, how much more will I put into the relationship with the love of my life, my job & my calling to become even more involved in St. Mark? If you feel that's not a good enough argument, then bring it up again. I've got more reasons. [same reasoning applies to 'acting upon just our feelings' with the relationship & everything else]

Now, if you expert advice is to tell us that you think we're too young, too immature, etc. or to tell us that moving in together is the best idea, I don't even feel like addressing that unless you bring it up publically. In that event, I think I would get someone else to give you a response.

That's all I really care to say right now. I'm not mad. Frustrated, yes. Not mad. I hope this has clarified things. If not & if you are honestly believing that you have a point & are truly concerned bring it up. If you are just being stubborn, self-righteous & argumentative, don't even bother. I will respond, but I can say that I might not be inclined to be kind...

Anyway, I really do hope this helps. Thanks to my friend who doesn't want credit for the truth. Thanks to those ten, eight of you have the ability to read this/hear about it. For now, I'm not going to say the ten, but I will tell you that four of them are our parents. Aside from that, I will remain silent, as I shall in regards to some other things as well.

Now I will actually submit myself to homework that I've been putting off for an entire week. [I'm not slacking off in school because I'm leaving, by the way; I've always been like that]

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup...nothing's gonna change my world...

let it be