As stereotypical-angry-girlfriend as that sounds, it was hardly the case.
I was leaving with tears in my eyes, for I had been invited to their house by his mom to try to make things better [for those of you who don't know, I'm not allowed to associate with anyone in their family as of now] But, I had forgotten that I was not in the driveway, but parked next to it. Reverse...thump...crap...
I got out of my car & saw the mailbox tilted forward at a 45* angle; my left side-view mirror dangling by wires.
Whoops.
I had just been told to leave & didn't even get to say a proper good-bye to Greg, so I did not hesitate to knock on the door once again. Catherine opened it & I went straight to the kitchen & with tears again in my eyes [moreso now because of the decapitated car & afflicted mailbox] told Elaina what happened. We went outside. She didn't act angry; when I told her I would replace it, she didn't give me a definite answer & went back inside.
I stood there. Sobbing, trying to figure out what to do. Will came outside with a shovel & joked, saying that their dad told him to 'take care of me' [har] But, then he told me that their dad was actually saying some rather wretched things about me.
I froze.
I wanted to go in there & deal with him directly. He's been saying terrible things about me behind my back for months. I contemplated being able to call him on it, quite possibly for the first & last time ever. But then again, I didn't want to obliterate any chance I had of being allowed over again.
I called Fr. Nathan. I was a wreck. I was crying, pacing around, all the while trying to 'fix' my mirror. He told me to just come back to the church. I was so sad.
I had called my mom when I got back to tell her what was going on, but I realized I was exhausted in every way possible & asked if I could call her back after a nap [which I, incidentally, never had] but she insisted I talk to her right then. Both of my parents were angry, upset & yelling at me; my mom said my dad was going to call their dad--I begged, pleaded, sobbed & screamed for them not to do anything & to trust me & my judgments in the situation & that this would just make things worse, especially on Greg, but they did not listen to my cries.
He talked to Brian on the phone for a second, then he hung up on him. My dad called back & left a very...language-filled message on the answering machine. We've come to the conclusion that although this probably wasn't the best way to go about things, it's about time someone called Brian on all of the cruel things he's said about me. My mom said she's never seen him so angry. [it is kind of funny that I backed into the mailbox...but...]
The next morning, my dad had a mild heart attack & ended up in the hospital. He's fine now, they let him out the next day, but I don't know how to react to all of this.
This whole thing made me realize:
-my dad is almost 50...which means that one day in the not so terribly-distant future, my parents will no longer be here
-I've never seen anyone with more hatred for me than Greg's dad
-I can't wholly anticipate every situation & everyone's reactions--a 'duh' realization that causes much annoyance on my part
-this situation is very hard to deal with--I've been doing well at trudging forward, but sometimes, it gets really hard, like right now, I'm ill & so I'm more reactionary; I'm having to constantly ask God for guidance, clarity of mind & assurance; things get hard when you can't talk to someone, especially if you're as paranoid as I can be
I don't know. I think I could dive more deeply into how I feel, but maybe at a different time. My throat is scratch-ly & I'm distracted by the fact I'm actually talking to people on AIM [I notoriously rarely get on & used to be invisible when I did, but now, I can't find how to be invisible--har]
More soon, I suppose.
Also, I have more online picture albums to link after I upload some more soon. Will do that soon. Yeah.
headinacloud967 (5:54:40 PM): we got inside st. stephen's
headinacloud967 (5:54:53 PM): then everyone was asked to proceed to the back to get candles
headinacloud967 (5:55:00 PM): so we did, then we had to stand outside
headinacloud967 (5:55:54 PM): when we were out there, they had to open the doors, which nina was standing by [they open from the inside] so i stepped back so she could & bust my head on the light fixture outside [har]
headinacloud967 (5:56:53 PM): then the knights of columbus walked through with their funny hats & swords
headinacloud967 (5:56:57 PM): then they gave us fire
headinacloud967 (5:57:03 PM): [mine went out once]
headinacloud967 (5:57:33 PM): we walked around the church while the people in the back sang gregorian chants-ish things
headinacloud967 (5:57:47 PM): came back to the front, returned our candles & sat again
headinacloud967 (5:57:51 PM): then mass started
headinacloud967 (5:58:01 PM): fr. perez can speak perfect latin--it's amazing
headinacloud967 (5:58:13 PM): the tallest guy in the world sat in front of nina so we had to scoot down
headinacloud967 (5:58:30 PM): his daughter was fiddling around the entire time, walking on the kneeler etc.
headinacloud967 (5:58:53 PM): three old ladies two pews in front of us kept staring at fr
headinacloud967 (5:59:18 PM): fr. perez got annoyed at how the visiting reverends couldn't speak latin well [har]
headinacloud967 (5:59:53 PM): then we went to the food!
headinacloud967 (6:00:08 PM): yesterday was the last day of christmas, hence the service & feast
headinacloud967 (6:00:13 PM): there was a raffle
headinacloud967 (6:00:55 PM): for money: 1st: $555, 2nd: $222, 3rd: $111--told nina & fr i hoped we would win both 1st & 3rd [har]
headinacloud967 (6:01:42 PM): fr. perez gave a creepy shout-out to fr & told people about our church; then said he gives fr. a few more years before becoming roman catholic [he's CONVINCED fr is going to become pope...like to the point of being creepy about it--har]
headinacloud967 (6:01:53 PM): we ended up sitting across from nina's old piano teacher
headinacloud967 (6:01:58 PM): filipino
headinacloud967 (6:02:03 PM): the food was AMAZING
headinacloud967 (6:02:47 PM): then, fr perez & other people got up on stage before the raffle [we didn't win] & danced...to the chicken dance song...he shook his butt & got ALL into it--fr was laughing so much
headinacloud967 (6:02:50 PM): it was hysterical
headinacloud967 (6:02:53 PM): best thing ever
headinacloud967 (6:03:00 PM): fr. got pic phone pics
headinacloud967 (6:03:26 PM): oh, also, at the end of the mass, the little girl slammed her hymnal closed--it echoed--so funny
And you see the things they never see,
All you wanted I could be.
Now you know me and I'm not afraid.
And I wanna tell you who I am,
Can you help be a man?
They can break me as long as I know who I am.
And I want a moment to be real,
Want to touch things I dont feel,
Want to hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change?
They're the ones that stay the same.
They can't see me,
but I'm still here.
They can't tell me who to be,
Cause I'm not what they see.
Yeah, the world is still sleeping,
While I keep on dreamin' for me.
And their words are just whispers,
And lies that I'll never believe.
I'm Still Here by John Rzeznik
Ozone's Pizza & the old hospital
Hurrah for borrowing digital cameras.
We are a beautiful letdown
Painfully uncool
The Church of the drop-outs, the losers, the sinners, the failures & the fools
We’re a beautiful letdown
The Beautiful Letdown by Switchfoot
Were we ever free? As long as each of us has been alive, there has been a constant battle against us. Last night, one of my closest friends told me that she felt more real, alive & active a few years ago; people used to look at her strangely, sometimes even with hatred & anger if she went anywhere, not because of her actions, but because of her appearance. She is no longer a punk kid, wandering the mall, looking grunge-y. She is more polished now, taking on more responsibility than you know. Society would look down on her for changing her appearance, for ‘growing up too soon’ & resigning herself over to duty rather than ‘enjoying the time before adulthood.’ The truth--majority of the people I know became adults in their early teens, if not before, including myself. It is a new invention, this ‘childhood’ progressing into one’s early twenties. Not so long ago, around fourteen years old one would be classified as an adult, have a profession, get married, raise a family & progress onward. But now that is not so. What better way to feed off of society’s increasing focus on leisure/pampering/selfishness/laziness/lack of true creativity than to prolong the period in which an individual isn’t fully involved as a true ‘functioning’ member of the true society.
Our leisure, even our play, is a matter of serious concern. There is no neutral ground in the universe: every square inch, every split second, is claimed by God and counterclaimed by Satan.
-C.S. Lewis
So back to my friend. Sure, she doesn’t have people look at her funny like that anymore, but now, Who is she making angry? Visually, she cannot see them, but the minions are consistently present, using war tactics to get her, if only for one minute, to turn from what she’s designed to do & toward something that will distract & destroy. It is the same for any person striving to take the tough route; the kid whose parents don’t understand, the adult who makes life-changing decisions about their direction in life after feeling so prompted, the person feeling drawn to church though they’ve always hated the thought of it. Each of these people & so many more today will face things, but they have a choice: will they write off distractions as ‘just one of those things’ in order to avoid feeling silly, or will they stand boldly, realizing the struggles keep coming for some reason, thus challenging them to continue on, working to move forward in any way.
Psalm 28:7-10
Praised be the Lord; for he hath heard the voice of my humble petitions.
The Lord is my strength, and my shield; my heart hath trusted in him, and I am helped; therefore my heart danceth for joy, and in my song will I praise him.
The Lord is my strength, and he is the wholesome defense of his anointed.
O save thy people, and give thy blessing unto thine inheritance: feed them, and set them up for ever.